Life thus far...

seems like a series of transitions... I kind of see it like a series of sliding screens... mostly opaque but constantly moving. I've become more concious of this in the past few years. I think it started when I moved from Ottawa to London. Moving marked the end of one chapter of my life and the begining of many others. When my dad died the sliding screen feeling felt so foreign and I felt sort of caught inbetween two screens yet unable to pass through onto one side or another... When I found out that I was pregnant, a very different thing happened... it was like a screen slid over and I became the observer in the events happening in my life and not the antagonist. This feeling persists and sometimes I really wish I could shake it... Its like this strange interceptor that is perhaps protecting my heart. I can't remember a time in my life where I've felt more vulnerable and terrified but yet still amazed and inspired. The problem being is that the distance that being the observer instead of the antagonist really mutes things and only in tiny little spurts do intense feelings of joy and amazment seap through. I guess its all part and parcel of becoming a parent. The only thing that I figure is that its a way of your mind protecting your brain from going absolutely insane with worry about all the horrible things there are in this world. I can honestly say that since I've become a mum that I've visited some very dark places in my mind... fueled by what must be maternal need to protect their young... the unfortunate part in this process is that in order to prevent harm my mind seems to conjure up the need to imagine a million horrible and unspeakable things that could possibly befall the people I love (most importantly the bub)... being concious of all the bad should surely be to equipt me with the ability to prevent it from happening... name the evil I suppose?

Pretty dark really, but I'm hoping that its just another transition happening and that it will all make sense to me in a few years and I will laugh when I go back and re-read this post... In the interim I'll keep hoping for more clarity on the good things and perhaps some greater opacity on the more scary bits.